HW: 158, CW: 147, GW: 117

 

I’m a failure. All I want is to be left alone. I hate everything. Growing up has not made life easier at all. 

Today is Sunday. I ate Friday and Saturday. Friday wasn’t too bad, ate like a normal person. Yesterday was football so I over did it, but I don’t feel too bad because I only ate three days last week (well, I’m not counting the sunflower seed days as eating). I am not eating today or tomorrow and I think I’ll weigh myself tomorrow. I’m scared. I used to weigh myself everyday but I’d always end up in a state of self-hate and would binge all day… so I’ve stopped doing daily weighing. The hardest thing about not eating (for me at least) is breaking the habits we associate with food. Depressed? Eat comfort food. Bored? Find something to snack on. Shit like that.

I just don’t want to go back to Florida fat. I remember I had to stop wearing one pair of jeans to work (bartender) because I’d lost so much weight they were constantly falling down. People always told me how skinny I was. I miss that. It was a lot easier to get prescription diet pills down there too. One of the doctors in town handed them out like candy.

I guess my “go back to Florida” goal weight is 133. That’s not anything to be proud of, but at least I wouldn’t be embarrassed. If I end up going home at the end of October, that gives me three more weeks to lose 14 pounds (minus how many I’ve lost this week). I’ll have a better idea tomorrow. What if I’ve only lost three pounds? I will be devastated. I don’t even know what I’d do. If I do make it down to 133 by 1 Nov, I would want to be down to 125 by the end of November. That’s definitely doable. It’s the initial 14 pounds I’m worried about. I don’t know what my ultimate goal weight is. I don’t know what I’d look like at 120 or 110, so I can’t say. There are rarely any before and after pictures of girls who are 5’8” so I have nothing to compare myself to. Probably 115ish. Definitely under 121 because, according to the BMI calculator, that’s when I’ll officially be underweight.

My torso has never been the problem. Sure, my arms are a little pudgy right now but I know when I lose weight, it will come off my stomach first, then my arms, then my legs. Ah, these legs. These huge ass fucking legs. I think the last time I wore shorts out in public was three years ago. My calves are huge, I have no idea why. How did they get this way? My thighs…. they’re disproportionate to my upper half. Instead of having curves at my hips, I curve out at my thighs. They’re really terrible. I can’t even stand to think about it.

I think I’m in a hypomanic phase. Haven’t been eating much (compared to before), haven’t been sleeping much (I’ve gotten up at 5am every day for the last week), and I’ve been spending too much money online. BUT!!! I am really excited about the things I bought. Let’s see. I ordered two pairs of circle lenses. I wear regular prescription contacts but am super excited to try the circle lenses. I ordered a grey/green pair (the closest I could find to my own color), and a brown pair. I LOVE brown eyes. Always have. Always wanted brown eyes. I hate light color eyes. I had regular brown contacts before but don’t remember what happened to them. I also spent some money at Sephora on Thursday. I bought this concealer by Benefit http://www.sephora.com/boi-ing-P1273 and this lip set by Tarte http://www.sephora.com/pure-delights-8-piece-lipsurgence-lip-set-P382570?skuId=1553726 Hmmm What else have I bought lately? Well, I had to send flowers for a funeral. That set me back more than $100. And I had to send $90 worth of wedding gifts to a friend. So those don’t count. I really want to try etude and tonymoly beauty products. I spent THREE HOURS the other morning going through page after page of Asian beauty products on Amazon. They are so cheap! So I’ve got, like, 10 things in my cart and the total is $19. I knew shipping would be expensive but I figured it would be worth it to spend $30 on shipping. Well. My estimate of $30 was way off- the shipping was going to be more than $90. Needless to say, I did not make that purchase. What a let down. But last night I ordered three products I really wanted out of the 10 I originally had in my cart from a US shipper. Total was $47. Yesterday the theatre in town had their annual costume sale, so I picked up two vintage dresses for a total of $11. Can’t wait until I lose weight and can try them on.

I’m in a good mood right now.

The day before yesterday was not so good- I went to Wal-Mart, the pet store and tanned. I could only do 5 minutes in the stand-up bed because I felt weak and the heat was getting to me. I am going again tomorrow but I think I’ll be ok because it’s the only errand I have. When I got home I ate- I don’t even remember what, but of course, I ate all day. Just having a snack is like opening the flood gates for me: I have no impulse control. I don’t know how many calories I consumed, probably 2100-2500. Yeah, gross. I found out a beloved relative of mine passed away that same day and that just added fuel to the fire.

Yesterday, on the other hand, went well. I didn’t eat at all. However, I’ve been absolutely freezing lately. Once I get chilled to the bone, I can’t shake it. So I had a hot chocolate and I added a big marshmellow (on top of the mini marshmellows, of course, arghh). That warmed me up but then I had terrible stomach cramps.

I don’t plan on consuming anything major today- maybe sunflower seeds in the evening. I think the Dude has Saturday off from work, and I know we’ll end up eating out, so I’d like to go until then without eating. I think I am going to weigh myself on Sunday. I don’t know if I’ve lost any weight. Sunday will be one week though. I wonder how long it will take to see results? I don’t mean bones jutting out or anything, just how long until my pants fit a bit looser. My guess is two weeks. Maybe I should wait until then to weigh myself. I don’t want to step on the scale and see I’ve only lost 3 pounds and then get discouraged because I’ll binge.

Well, my 1/2 cup of coffee hurt my stomach. Annoying.       

Yesterday went well. I had 3/4 cup of black coffee in the am and another serving of sunflower seeds in the evening. So a total of around 195 calories for the second day in a row. The biggest problem I’m having is breaking myself of looking forward to food. I don’t want to look forward to my evening snack, I don’t want to see a delicious looking pastry and think about how I’ll eat it one day, I don’t want to look forward to a cheat meal. I simply don’t want to look forward to eating, know what I mean? I don’t want food to be associated with a reward. It’s not a reward- what I’m doing now is (or at least will be once I’ve lost some weight). 

Hunger pains have remained under control. I need to drink more water though because my lips are chapped as all hell. I’ve also been taking a multi-vitamin/multi-mineral and a magnesium supplement because I don’t want to end up like Terri Schiavo. A horrible thing to say but it’s true.

The Dude is now working seven days a week so I don’t foresee any problems keeping this up. Yesterday he worked a 15 hour day- I don’t know if I’ve ever been more lonely. I want to go back home to Florida but I want to lose weight first so I guess I just have to accept my solitude for now. On Thursday I am dropping the pup off at doggy day care and heading into the city to go to the zoo (by myself, of course). I’m really looking forward to it though of course I’d rather be there with the Dude.

What is something low cal I can get at Starbuck’s? I guess a small ice coffee with skim milk and splenda wouldn’t be horrible. I assume the syrups have a lot of calories in them. Well, I’m off to Walmart, the pet store, and the tanning salon.     

Yesterday went well. I had a cup and a half of black coffee in the am, and a serving of sunflower seeds in the evening. I love sunflower seeds because they take so long to eat. I tend to overeat while bored and/or watching tv so they’re perfect for me. I have some serious hunger pains right now but no actual appetite. As of today, my strategy is to consume as few calories as possible and limit carbs. I am going to weigh myself two days after my period stops, so probably on Friday or Saturday. Depending on how the rest of my week goes, hopefully I’ll be down to the low 140s. Gross. The Dude’s contract will be up in mid-December but I hope to go back to Florida before that. This new town is nice but I have nothing to do and have not made any friends. I’m alone with the dog 13 hours a day. It’s maddening. And this is coming from an introvert. 

I took some before pictures yesterday but am going to wait to post them until I’ve lost some weight and can show my progress. In between cramps, insomnia, boredom and hunger pains, I really just wish I had some weed. That would be heavenly. 

Background

The purpose of this blog is to keep me motivated, and to give me something to do. I’m currently unemployed and beyond bored in a new town- I’ve been pacifying myself with food for the last 5 months. I currently weigh 147 pounds (I’m 5’8”). The most I’ve ever weighed was 158 and the least was 116; however my low weight was after an unrelated 8 week hospitalization though- the lowest I’ve gotten on my own accord was 124.

My plan of attack is to eat less (what a revelation!). To start off, I am going to aim for 1 meal and 2 snacks a day, with one day of fasting each week. I’ve been binging like mad lately so this will be a good challenge. After I’ve gotten use to this, I am going to switch to ketosis + restricted calories (1100). After I’ve done that for awhile, I am going to pick a few food items and just eat those every day (I’m thinking 800kcals). I do best when I don’t give myself too many food options. So like, low cal yogurt for breakfast, veg pattie with a little cheese and sriracha for lunch, ?? for dinner, and string cheese for a snack. I want to do this in a manner that realistically fits my strengths. If I try to do a 10 day juice fast, I’m just going to end up disappointed. I have a high metabolism so the weight should (hopefully) come off pretty easy. 

I’ll write more later. I’m going to try to keep this whole journal positive and optimistic. I am on meds for clinical depression and it’s very easy for me to become overwhelmed with self-hate. So! Not doing that! Going to stay positive! Each day is a step toward your goal.

-kade